I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
