my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just want nice things and good sex
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
