I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
