a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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