i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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