i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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