i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
