between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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