Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
