I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
