hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
