now i know why i became what i already was.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize