You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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