my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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