Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You made out with two different species that night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
