just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
