Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
