My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
