i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
