I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
