OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
