Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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