she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
