I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
