and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
