the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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