I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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