I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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