I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
