Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
