Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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