Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
