textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
