You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
