we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he was CRYING into my vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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