how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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