Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
