FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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