I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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