Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
