Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
