I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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