i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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