I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
