I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
