his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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