so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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