No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Someone came in the potted fern
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
