i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
