I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
