Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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