A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
