dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
