genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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