Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
