Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
