I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
